Zombie Death House (1988)

Inspiring title sequence. Cost: $13

Oh I watch all the best movies. This one was a particularly stinky bit of cinematic nonsense. From the late 1980s when every horror film was an adventure, Zombie Death House has all kinds of things wrong with it. Bless the silly film, and pity the poor director, John Saxon. Yes, John Saxon. Respected actor in all kinds of wonderful roles and amazing films. Probably best known to non-cult movie fans as one of the stars of Enter the Dragon (a massive mainstream hit in 1973, which made Bruce Lee a star), and the persistent cop in the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. According to imdb trivia, Saxon agreed to direct the film after the existing director withdrew. It seems the producers interfered with the filming and Saxon didn't really get the chance to make the film he wanted. To say that this is a dog's dinner is an insult to whatever dogs eat for dinner these days. The story is plain stupid, the acting is all over the place, and the sets, action, editing, sound and cinematography are all skewiff in fun and entertaining ways.

Poster better than film alert. Also, at least 4 people get out alive.

The film starts with the hero (played by Dennis Cole, who isn't very well known for anything, although according to imdb, he did play nine different characters in nine different episodes of Fantasy Island. Also he was married to Jaclyn Smith for nearly three years, so fair play to him) being hired as a chauffeur by a gangster with a big house and a hot blonde trophy wife. The hero is called Derek, not a common name among action heroes, and the first thing he does is start an affair with the big-haired blonde. The gangster (Anthony Franciosa, TV's Matt Helm, who was also in all kinds of cool movies, including Tenebrae, Death Wish II and Across 110th Street) finds out about the affair, drowns his girlfriend in the bath, and plants the body in Derek's motel room. After being chased around the bits of LA we've seen in a million films, he goes to the most rubbish prison you've ever seen, which has no proper lights, and seems to consist of one corridor, an office and a couple of rooms that have bars on them. Also in the prison with him is the gangster's brother played by the marvellous Michael Pataki, whose film career was just incredible (Five the Hard Way, Dracula's Dog and Rocky IV are just a few gems). In this movie he's the queen of the cell-block, and does his best with not much.

Poor John Saxon. Should have given it to Alan Smithee

The remainder of the story concerns a fiendish plan by Colonel Gordon Burgess, (played by Saxon) who wants to infect some inmates with a virus that will make them into an army of super soldiers. Obviously it all goes dreadfully wrong, and the convicts just start killing each other. For some weird reason Burgess sends a journalist (played by Tane McClure, who was Elle's mum in the Legally Blonde movies, and is the daughter of Doug McClure) in there to 'investigate'. As soon as she's in there he basically locks the place down and the army turn up to keep it under control. It's a right mess and I'm sure you'll never see the damn thing, because why would you? I enjoyed it though, so what does that tell you?

 

 Zombie Death House - trailer