Groovy poster, which as always is badly misleading
The next in Chris Goodwin's Top 666 Horror Movies, this is number 662, and quite a bizarre little film it is too. This was my first viewing of one of Andy Milligan's movies, although some of his movies were known to me by their titles. Between 1965 and 1989 he made nearly 30 movies, and some regard him as one of the worst movie directors of all time.
Among his oeuvre are greats such as Depraved! (1967), The Filthy Five (1968), Gutter Trash (1969), The Man With Two Heads (1972), and one of my favourite titles of all time: The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!(1972). I like the implication of this, that werewolves are a problem, but wait until the rats get here, then you'll see some troubles, buster!
Anyway, back to The Ghastly Ones. Thanks to the wonderful Something Weird Video, I can see this no-budget piece of rubbish in as perfect condition as one could hope. The print is scratched and battered, but most of the film's shortcomings come from the cinematographer, which was also Andy Milligan. Shots are often out of focus, either under- or over-exposed and frame composition is definitely not a strong point. The editing is atrocious, and as you might expect, the acting, set, costumes and special effects are reflective of an auteur pursuing a personal vision with little money, minimal talent, and no actual idea of how to do what he's doing. It's wonderful.
The costumes are a particular joy, as the women's dresses are so over-patterned that they are in danger of triggering an acid flashback. Although this is clearly set in the early 20th century, the three sisters all seem to own totally inappropriate slinky night attire that leaves little to the imagination. Also the wallpaper in the house is mainly bonkers too. It's a visual riot. [update: apparently Andy Milligan was responsible for the costumes too. It seems that at one point he had his own dress shop on 42nd Street. Apparently he offered 'creative fashions' and had an 'aggressive artistic attitude', according to the DVD booklet.]
For all its faults, The Ghastly Ones is great fun, and at no point during its meager 71 minutes running time, was I bored or unduly confused by what was happening. I've seen plenty of big studio films that are really no better than this one, but have had millions lavished on them.
The story is set around the turn of the 20th century, which is something generally assumed by the fashions worn by the characters. The costumes look like they have come straight from a local am-dram society, and the actors seem to have come from the same place. Everybody does as well as they can, but it's all broad dramatic brushstrokes and nothing particularly challenging.
The doomed couple and their giant parasol
The vicious killer who doesn't feature in the rest of the feature
In a short prologue, a young couple are enjoying a nice day out on a private island somewhere in New England or somewhere. The young man wanders off to look around, and is soon disemboweled by a mysterious and murderous stranger. Then the girl is similarly dispatched. After this, these two victims are never referred to again, and we never see the murderous stranger again. It seems Milligan just wanted to give us a taste of the location, and the fun we have to look forward to.
The main story concerns three married young sisters, Victoria, Elizabeth and Veronica. They have been invited to attend the reading of their father's will, who died some years before. All three travel with their husbands to the lawyer's office in New York. The lawyer, who is meant to be very elderly, is as convincing an old man as I have ever seen, in a school production of A Christmas Carol. The actor (Neil Flanagan) has the most preposterous nose hair and eyebrows ever seen.
Nose hair out of control alert!
According to the will, which 'Lawyer Dobbs' reads in his best crotchety-old-man-from-a-1970s-TV-period-drama voice, it seems that their father didn't love their mother, and that the family house was never the scene of happiness or genuine love. Therefore, according to the provisions of the will, "each of you, and your husband, shall reside at the Crenshaw House, in sexual harmony, for the period of three days." Nice. After this
time the lawyer will appear and more documents will be presented that
will decide who gets what. Obviously, we know that the three days won't pass smoothly.
Yes, you're smiling now, but you won't be for long
At the house the sisters meet the Trasks; ugly sisters Hattie and Martha, and frustrated half-wit brother, Colin. There aren't enough Colins in the movies, but I don't think many real Colins will want to claim this one as a screen idol. He really is witless and has teeth only slightly better than Shane MacGowan.
Hattie and Martha. See what I mean about the dresses?!
Crazy half-wit Colin and the crazy wallpaper
Don't interrupt me while I'm acting, you funny-looking person
The plot isn't much to write home about, being a typical 'family secret' mystery slasher. The three couples try to settle down in the old house, but (not very many) strange things happen, such as a dead rabbit turning up in someone's bed, an X being painted on someone's door, and someone else being poisoned, but not dying. Things start to hot up a bit when one of the husband's is disemboweled in the basement by a figure in a pointy hood and cape, and then when dinner is served, a woman's head is the main course.
Dinner is served
I won't give away the ho hum 'surprise' ending, but it isn't much of a surprise. The movie is standard in many ways, but what really raises it up, to about knee level, is Milligan's utterly incompetent photography, and performances that range from acceptable to bizarre. Particularly of note are the aforementioned Colin, dumber than the dumbest dodo I've ever seen in a movie; and bumbling sister Hattie, who manages to be both sinister and sympathetic as she tries to keep things on track. A very strange-looking woman, she is constantly trying to get Colin to do the simplest things, but as he is utterly stupid and bad-tempered she has to be lashing him with a belt every five minutes.
Obviously this is a deeply amateur production, but it does move pretty fast, and is full of wonderful mistakes and ineptitudes that make it very entertaining. Not sure I could recommend it, but if you like the Ed Wood kind of thing, you'll probably enjoy this.
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